The Australian, 19 October 2010

There’s nothing quite as terrifying as being told that information is being withheld on the grounds that releasing it would be unnecessarily frightening. However, it is true that the average voter can simply not be trusted with any sort of unspun data on the grounds that they would immediately burn down their house with it, so here’s a simple DIY project to keep you warm, cosy and reassured*. Try not to cut yourself.

*Note: Not that I think you’re an idiot, but do not actually do this.

The Australian, 15 October 2010

In many ways, working out how to avoid buggering up the Murray Darling is a microcosm of the climate change debate, from which we can safely conclude that the Murray Darling is most likely buggered.

The diabolical challenge in this instance is to stop taking more water out of the river than is actually in the river, which you’d think would be straightforward if it wasn’t for the perfectly reasonable Not In My Bottom Paddockism of the people who will actually be required to take less water out of the river.

Julia has attempted to put off the angry mob brandishing pitchforks and flaming reports by conducting various reviews of the situation to be ignored in due course. I do wish her and the Murray Darling Basin the best of luck.

The Australian, 13 October 2010

Perhaps it’s just me, but navispopulusphobia is so last paradigm. Nevertheless, the ALP is pushing ahead with Julia’s well thought out plan to process Australia’s asylum seekers in East Timor, which is legendary for its boundless plains to share and administrative expertise, not to mention being a very long way from the electorates of Western Sydney.

The plan is that if exporting people to East Timor goes as well as expected (it’s only people smuggling if there’s some sort of virtual queue involved, it’s a bit complicated) we’re going to franchise the concept out to all sorts of Pacific nations that are also better at assessing asylum seeker claims than us, which is pretty much everybody except Nauru who have had their claim for Asylum Seeker Processing Status rejected on the grounds that we’ve paid a lot of money to build a detention centre there already.

Look, I told you it’s all very complicated, which is why it’s probably the humane thing to send asylum seekers overseas at enormous expense to have their claims heard properly rather than subject the poor bastards to our clearly hopeless bureaucracy at home. I’m sure they’ll thank us for it in the long run.

The Australian, 12 October 2010

It turns out that jet lag and guns don’t mix and Tony copped a bit of friendly fire in the foot during his tour of duty in Afghanistan. I’m sure that low bastardry is strictly forbidden under the New Paradigm Conventions and Julia’s not one to set a political, er, ambush. Shut up Kevin.

The Australian, 30 September 2010

The score so far: Labor wins the Battle Of The Deputy Speaker and the Coalition totally pwns the ALP over some amendment to standing zzzzzzz…

Sorry, I was just resting my eyes. Aussies do love a contest, but that extends to two flies crawling up a wall and no further. I know it’s the New Bloody Paradigm and I should get with it, but surely forcing me to even know that we have a Deputy Speaker is a violation of our Constitution. I would check, but I’m pretty sure actually reading Australia’s Constitution is also a violation our Constitution, at least in spirit.

Where was I? Contests. This whole “who cares who wins oh it’s all very complicated” group hug stuff has gone too far and is also contagious. Collingwood fans have had to wait a whole extra week to have their dreams crushed yet again and we can’t even decide who is Australia’s Top Model any more.

What Australia needs is Thunderdome. Two men (I’m willing to stretch that to one man and one woman or two women in this age of Political Correctness Gone Mad) enter, one man (or woman) leaves. Suddenly everyone cares about the Deputy Speaker position because there are chainsaws and bungee cords involved. Obviously there will be a few by-elections along the way, but these can also involve Thunderdome and costs will be defrayed by selling the TV rights and I for one will be tuning into Question Time.